Forgiving Yourself & A New Challenge!?

Good evening, little lightning bugs! It seems like Mother Nature decided to skip over Spring almost entirely and went straight to Summer. The day was sunny and hot as Hades, but luckily for the Midwest it seems that the next few nights are destined to be cool. Thank goodness! Warning: this post is going to be a bit sporadic.

Lately I’ve been trying to be aware of what I eat and how I eat. Although I have never suffered from an Eating Disorder, I can definitely say that I tend to be susceptible to disordered eating. I think it’s something a lot of people in this century have started to deal with. It’s not that I don’t like food or eating- I LOOOOVE food. If I could be in a relationship with a BTB from Panera, I wouldn’t even hesitate. However, I have a weird relationship with food, and it sometimes involves a lot of guilt, shame, or disappointment. It’s hard to explain. Some weeks ago I got really sick- I only made it 20 minutes into my favorite class and had to leave, it was that awful- and I believe it is because I wasn’t eating enough to stay healthy; the food I ate had zero nutrition and I would still exercise a little each day. I felt so incredibly sick that I vowed to treat my body better. I try my best to think of food equating fuel for my body. The better the food, the better the fuel for this vessel that I inhabit. I think I’ve been making some progress- my eating hasn’t been perfect but I ate when I felt hungry, had some water, and included some fresh veggies and fruits with some of my meals. It’s a step!

Another thing I’ve been working on is my skin. I developed acne my Junior year in high school and it can get VERY bad depending on my stress level and daily habits. I would love to clear up my skin this summer, so I’m changing up quite a few of my habits. The first to go? Always wearing a million layers of makeup over my irritated skin every day. I absolutely adore makeup and all of its uses, but lately I’ve been using it as a crutch for my self esteem. Uneven skin? BB cream! Blemishes? Concealer and Foundation! Then a lipstick or brow pencil or anything to keep the focus off of my difficult skin.

But it’s pretty damn vain of me to spend the rest of my life freaking out about something that so many people deal with as well. Unfortunately, it’s natural. So while I will be doing my best to prevent any further breakouts and allow the current ones to heal, I have challenged myself to stop wearing tons of makeup to simply feel socially acceptable. Screw it! I’m a marvelous soul, so why should I be so concerned about my appearance? My time could be better spent.

Fun fact~ when Demi Lovato (an inspiring individual, gorgeous inside and out) was attacked online and scrutinized for being “overweight”, this was her badass reply…

“I am healthy and happy. If you’re hating on my weight, then you’re obviously not.” 

Someone give this girl a medal!

As for forgiving myself, I got news yesterday about an ex-boyfriend and how his life has gone downhill. He was lacking in emotion a lot of the time, but still a person that I used to cherish, even after we stopped dating. I’d known him for five years- he was intelligent, dorky, cute, and always knew how to make me laugh. I cut off the friendship after a certain “friend” cyber-bullied me and he didn’t say anything about it. My friend then heard him making fun of me behind my back. Didn’t defend me, didn’t speak to me until my birthday (several months later) and I ignored him. That was it. Apparently now he might have quit college, works back at the high school he didn’t like, and is going down a bad hill. At first he was just smoking weed but then it started becoming excessive, and now I guess he’s been doing Acid back-to-back some days and smoking at the same time and just screwing with his brain.

I’ve been feeling sort of.. regretful, I guess. He had negative impacts on my life, but nobody was perfect. Sometimes I feel like I need to give people third, fourth, and fifth chances because I know I can make a lot of mistakes too. And he used to be someone I loved. I wanted to save him. But I think it’s time I forgive myself. I love him, but there were also other reasons why I cut him out of my life. He contributed to my negativity more than acceptable, and in order to be healthy and happy I had to let him go. It’s not my fault that he has ended up like this, and I need to let this go. Maybe at some point he’ll strike up a conversation, and maybe I might talk to him. But it’s been a long, long time and I’m okay not being his friend. I have some guilt in me, but I forgive myself. I forgive myself for doing something that might be selfish, because it was the best choice for my recovery. I forgive me.

Is there anything you’d like to forgive yourself for? Have you ever had to cut someone you cared about out of your life, for your health? What’s your favorite body peace quote? And is there any bad habit you’d challenge yourself about?

Love you guys. Keep on smiling, babes.